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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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10:29 pm
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| Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
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8:25 pm
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I probably won't update much anymore in Livejournal. This blog has completely died. Oh well. If your still interested or ever were (since i never update anymore) check out my myspace, which I tend to update more often.
LiquidScissors
other then that, see ya!
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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2:13 am - !
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Stealing from Sarah again, she always has the fun ones in her journal....
Ask me for my "top five" of whatever you want and I will oblige.
Post this in your journal, and I'll ask for your "top five" as well.
And no subject is off limits...
In other news, and I haven't updated in a while, this or myspace which usually I do one or the other. Whatever.
I have to go in for am ultrasound on my boobs soon, there is a 2 week waiting list for this things I guess. They are so far behind I guess. Its awful waiting, its not like booking a hair color 2 weeks in advanced, its booking a screening that potentially could change my life 2 weeks in advanced. So now I can stress myself a tumor for the next couple weeks. Hooray!!
Beth is coming up this weekend. I finally completed most of my swap commitments. YAY
Also I had my interview yesterday, and I think it went good. I am just so scared of being shot down again, its like... making me so nervous waiting for a call. Just say you'll give me a chance. Or will they pick the pretty skinny girl over me again and again. This is my own problem.
I decided after talking to a friend of mine that I need to go back into therapy. Or this will never end. There are things I could say surrounding the issue of weight and food that would make you think I am certainly crazy. But some things are better left unsaid. I need to learn things tho, even tho I know them. Do I know them?
I guess more so I need to learn how to control them. Have control. Not be controlled by something so.... tourturous. How. Did. That. Happen....
I have been brainwashed into wanting to see RENT and Memoirs of a Geisha from watching the season primere of Nip/Tuck last week. I may even possibly think the movie Fun with dick and jane could be hilarious. Damn you FOX! Actually the first two look good, Gotta love Japanese women... =D and also RENT.. duh. Even without the hypnotising advertisments I think I would of ended up dragging someone with me to see them, cause I know Pete wont go. hehe.
Fuck fuck fuck. I am so stressed and just.... something. give allready. please.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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9:44 pm
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1:55 pm
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1:34 pm
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| Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
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10:35 pm
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I am going to go crazy! I HATE HATE HATE my job right now. It wasn't so bad, but like suddenly i really HATE it, like cant STAND it. haha. Its so bad. I want to punch the owner in the face more then I ever have wanted to punch someone in my life.
I just want to scream so loud. Everytime she leaves me a message asking me to give her a "jingle" back and everytime she says the word "tenative schedual" I want to make myself throw up. WHY? I dont know, those are some of the trigger words I guess.... UGH.
the 26th couldnt be any farther away! why is it so FAR AWAY!
What makes matters worse is she hired some new girl, some skinny blonde girl, who everyone keep going on and on about how "cute" and "sweet" the girl is. barf. I'm just the big ugly fat freak they hired and now are tired of because I dont suck up to them like everyone else. Bitch. Oh and also telling me that "I know you probably would fit in better in the city" shit, fuck that, I dont even LIKE the city, I dont even LIKE going into the city. She automatically assumes I dont feel like i fit in at her salon because its not in the city. NO, I dont fit in at your salon because your a BITCH and you lable me at the alternative stylist and I'm fucking sick of it.
BITCH!
Okay I am done, sorry I just listened to a message liz left about seeing if I would work tonight which somehow triggered a venting spell.
Love,
Beth
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:43 pm
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Beth Ann Swanson's Aliases
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Your movie star name: Butter And Jelly Toast John
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Your fashion designer name is Beth Malmo
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Your socialite name is Beffy Heffy Shoreview
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Your fly girl / guy name is B Swa
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Your detective name is Dog Perpich
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Your barfly name is Frosted Oatmeal Cookies Sex On The Beach
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Your soap opera name is Ann Oxford
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Your rock star name is Bit O Honey Manny
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Your star wars name is Betluc Swapet
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Your punk rock band name is The Tired Rubix Cube
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all of this is really weird. The only cool thing to come out of this is the band name... The Tired Rubix Cube... which is awesome.
So I am officially starting a band with that name. If you can play any instruments drop me a line, I will need a drummer, a bassist and a guitar since I cant do any of those.
Other such instruments are welcome too! Like painos, spoons, cellos... woodwinds... other such things.
I am serious.
Come be a part of my dream.
your dream.
Together.... our dream.
The Tired RUBIX CUBE!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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2:45 am
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| Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
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5:48 pm
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| Monday, September 5th, 2005
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2:11 am
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| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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11:22 pm
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Who wants to go to school with me? huh? HUH? I dont wanna go alone.
=( anyway. I had a sour apple martini at Olive Garden tonight. It was fun. I felt all rich for a second. But I am not. =( The server we had had the same name as me, Beth, and also her last name started with an S like me. weird.
I bought the second season of Nip/tuck yesterday and devoted my entire saturday to watching it. yay. I cant wait till september 20th for the 3rd season to start!
Well i am saving money like a mad-women so I can pay off my student loan, so I can take out a new one. fun. no.
I completely forgot how to write, what i was writing about and why i wanted to write.
=/
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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1:14 am
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I am getting a new job, hopefully. I dont wanna start yacking about it or i might jinx myself. cause im awesome at that. But it would be the bestest job ever ever ever!!
hey we might actually get to eat this month! YAY!
saving up money, so I can go back to school again, for something different, not because I dont wanna do hair anymore, because I love to do hair, but it will all come together one glorious day. Its all part of my master plan.
Letting hair grow out sucks. Its in that in between stage of ugliness. oh well. one day samson. one day.
Lucy is growing and she is awesome.
Lucy Marbles.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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9:24 pm
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Taken from BehindMirrors
The Challenge:
1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your LJ.
scum buckets. Do it.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 12th, 2005
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10:33 pm
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I just wanted to make a post saying to all my loyal fans (hahaha) that
I will be selling Resin Magnets and such variety of things at the MN
State Fair, so come buy my stuff! for sure!
My stuff will be featured at the lovley Tools and Screws stand. Don't
miss out on your chance to own your very own lavish hand decorated
resin encoated treasures! I will also be hopefully participating in a
craft fair in December so I guess if you HAVE to wait, you can get the
goods then.
I will also have a website someday soon... when I have money. hahaha. That is where you all come in.. *wink wink*
Tools and Screws has tons of weird junk, so check it out, even if you
don't wanna buy my AWESOME stuff, but shame on you for thinking such a
terrible thought.
the end.
-Beth
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, August 8th, 2005
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12:08 am
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It's almost midnight. I feel gross because I ate so much today. I am gonna start doing what I need to do tomarrow. I found all my old weight watchers crap the other day when we moved Petes bed, it was so cool. I am not sure why it is so cool, but I know it is. Maddy at work wanted to look at all the stuff (even tho she's a twig allready) I did her friends hair at work last week and she and I talked about food and weight, because she has gone through many of the same things I have, so I just shared some of my thoughts with her (since shes 16, so she is at the point where maybe my advice might matter, or make her feel better) I know shes at a very criticle age, where the stupid things of the world can get the best of you. It was really cool, I felt like I helped her feel better about her feelings and all that. I think its good to know that there are people out there that feel the same way you do, and have gone down that road. I was really sad when she told me she allready has had an ED, because I know how much that sucks, esspecially when your young like that. You feel like you have to keep it a secret from everyone, and you almost DO, because you never know who will be horrified and who wont, who will judge you.... It wears down on you.
I lost my train of thought.
Oh well.
Anyway. We have moved most of our stuff in now and the apartment is starting to look nice, I hung up some prints I bought in the dollar section at Target, and went and bought more today because I like the way they look. I also got a Coffee Maker from Sandy on Friday night! YAY, and finally bought Coffee today, Coffee is the best thing ever invented. COFFEE SHOTS! There is no need to prozacs anymore, just drink lots of coffee, and all is well. Yay.
I miss MANNY, so much. =(
I bought the second season of Golden Girls the other day, yay for me. I have so many swaps due I cant even think of them all. Pin up Golden Girl ABC CD Invader Zim Let me make your craft thrift store picture revamp DIY kit... I thiiinnnkk... i think that is it. hopefully.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, August 1st, 2005
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11:21 pm
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Is anyone else noticing the fad with Pro-ED stuff, everywhere? I would not wish this life upon anyone. I guess I don't see it the same way, I guess I feel it as hurt, I hate the constant battle. I am my own enemy, chasing myself trying to grasp something that doesn't exsist. I just don't see that as "cool" or something to be happy about. I would give anything NOT to be like this. I TRY very HARD to not be like this.
People I know are wasting away because of this. I am damaged because of this. I am at constant battle because of this. At war with myself. Punishing myself. People I love are dying because of this. People I know are struggling because of this. I am at WAR with myself.
Destroying myself. Lost in these numbers. Lost in myself.
Lost in these numbers. These mathmatics. These dimensions.
So many thoughts are going through my mind right now, so many things I feel I need to say, to clarify what I am trying to get across, as a point... but its so jumbled it would come out like this
"i dont...and...figures into...wheather or not.. and...if...just... brething....power.control.dignity"
I cant even focus.
Why would someone want this? why would someone want this? WHY would ANYONE want this.
It is just always following you around like a lost puppy, playing on your weaknesses, and fears. It just beats you down and no matter how far away you run, it always finds you. It is a part of you. An ugly fucked up part of you, forever and always.
fuck.
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(comment on this)
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12:23 am
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So here we are, officially moved in, AND internet ready. yay! I am having some difficulty adjusting, really missing Manny. Alot. Alot more then I ever imagined. He is my best friend. God i am gonna cry now, just because I miss him so much, its only been a couple days and its like... ridiculous how much I miss that damn dog. Its lightening. That is great, because rain would be really awesome. Pete and Al, and their friend steve took over the living room so I retreated into the bedroom.
Here is how I feel about moving out, and I cant explain why I feel this way, its just weird. Or i guess its more like, moving out of my parents (even tho I did once before) I know that this time its for real, and I am never going to live with them again, I would think ,which scares me, because that just means I am totally not a kid anymore. I am getting older. Get this I just turned 21, and I was so depressed because I am getting "So OLD" and yet have accomplished "nothing"
I have very few people I can call friends without laughing in my head like its a joke. I still hate myself, in this weird way that I'll never understand (Like I love myself, but hate myself at the sametime.... "I love me, but hate myself"....) I get mad at myself for eating. Eating, in general. I feel ashamed. I feel like I lost myself. I get so sick. Its weird when I dont eat, I start to feel so sick like I might throw up, and I actually LIKE that feeling, because I am not afraid of throwing up. So get this, I LIKE the FEELING of starving. I cant make myself throw up anymore. I tried and payed for it, I have done to much damage in the past to even start that shit again. It took me a year to stop asking myself
"should I do it?" After everything I ate. Its such a horrible feeling, to feel guilt about doing something that is human nature, like eating.
I just want to cry for like a day....
I dont understand. And I fucking hate it. Maybe someday I'll feel a little better in my own skin... but not now.
Other then that, I cleaned the apartment, put up some pictures and did some swap junk. I think it will be really nice here once I adjust. I have some cool ideas to decorate, without making the apartment gods angry with me, hehe.
I have this weird feeling inside me, and I cant even explain it, other then saying I only feel like one person. Which makes no sense. ha. But its true. Maybe someone will understand that. maybe.
I miss Manny. =(
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
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10:56 pm
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| Friday, July 22nd, 2005
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5:19 am
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So its 5 A.M. And I am awake, because I fell asleep at 10, and woke up 3 hours later, and for some reason when I only sleep for a few hours I can't get back to sleep. So I'm gonna go running soon, once it gets lighter.
yep.
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(comment on this)
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